Good Morning Dave Wav
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All wavs on this page were sampled at (8 bit mono 11Khz) and all mp3s on this page were sampled at (80kbs 44Khz).(761K) (761K) (iPhone ringtone)Dan 'The Man' Levitan (Richard Portnow): 'And now an item of special note. Barring any change in the weather, thesoftball game between the 133rd and 4th infantry divisions will resume as scheduled at the Ban Mi Thout Park, corner of Viet Ho and Hguen Van Theiuh streets here in Saigon. Please make a note of it. (Clears throat) Excuse me. Those men who lost equipment in last weeks rains are asked to contact Lieutenant Sam Scheer.
Lieutenant Schneer. Lieutenant Scheer asks those men with waterlogged mitts to make every effort to dry them out in the sun before requesting new ones. Bookworms, Headquarters Support Activities Saigon operates libraries at six locations in the Republic of Vietnam. American personnel can check out a book in Ku Bai, Da Nang, Phung Tao, Saigon, Bien Wah, and San Treng. If you can't stop in and select your own books, write to the H.S.A.S. Ask for the books by author, title and subject, and your selections will be mailed to you.
With the holiday season rapidly approaching, those personnel wishing to spend Christmas cards home. Wishing to send Christmos cards home to the States are asked to do so no later than August 13, due to a yearly mail rush at that time.'
(262K) (262K) (iPhone ringtone)Dan 'The Man' Levitan: 'The Armed Forces sincerely regrets any inconvenience due to luggage lost on transport carriers. Personal missing luggage. That should be personnel missing luggage are asked to drop a card to Major Gerald Kleiner over at the Fifth. The card should be no larger than four by five inches and should describe the contents of your duffel.
Major Kleiner requests that you do not describe your duffel as all duffels look alike.' (60K) (60K) (iPhone ringtone)Pfc. Edward Montesque Garlick (Forest Whitaker): 'Airman Cronauer?' A2C Adrian Cronauer (Robin Williams): 'You got it.'
Garlick: 'Welcome to Saigon, sir.' Cronauer: 'Careful. You could put an eye out with that.' (44K) (44K) (iPhone ringtone)Garlick: 'God, it's warm, huh?' Cronauer: 'Warm? This is a setting for London broil.' (87K) (87K) (iPhone ringtone)Garlick: 'I'm Private First Class Edward Motesque Garlick at your service, sir.'
Cronauer: 'First thing, Garlick, is you gotta requisition a new name.' Garlick: '(Giggles) I like you already, sir.' (100K) (100K) (iPhone ringtone)Garlick: 'Actually, what I am, sir, is your Armed Forces Radio Saigon assistant who's in charge of orientation and billeting of enlisted personnel, and company clerk.' Cronauer: 'Whew. I'm impressed.' Garlick: '(Giggles)'(74K) (74K) (iPhone ringtone)Garlick: '(Starter Cranks) It's already started.'
Cronauer: 'I understand.' Garlick: '(Giggles)'(139K) (139K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'Jesus, that guy's as boring as whale bleep.' Garlick: 'Not really. See, the purpose is to inform you as to the radius of the radio waves.' Cronauer: 'Mantovani?
They play Montovani to insomniacs who don't respond to strong drugs.' (336K) (336K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'Mayday! Dragon lady with incredible figure at eleven o'clock. Stop the car.' Garlick: 'I can't do that' sir.' Cronauer: 'Edward, Edward, you don't understand. I've been on a small Greek island with a lot of women who look like Zorba.
I never thought I'd find women attractive ever again. And now that I do, you won't even turn the car around? Thanks a lot.' Garlick: 'You have a very important meeting with the top brass.' Cronauer: 'Oh! There she is again!
Ho'd she get ahead of us?' Garlick: 'That's another person, sir.' Cronauer: 'Ah, she's beautiful and quick. Check her stamina. This is incredible!
Ooh, my God, they're quick. They're fast and small. Ha, ha, ha, ha! I feel like a fox in a chicken coop.' (87K) (87K) (iPhone ringtone)Brig. Taylor: 'This is a tempest in a teacup, much ado about nothing. For crying out loud, man, this isn't brain surgery.'
(227K) (227K) (iPhone ringtone)Garlick: 'Sergeant Major Dickerson, (Laughs) that's another story alltogether. He was a commander of an elete special forces unit. He came to us because of prostrate problems and some sort of social infection that doesn't go away. Plus, I think he got shot in the ass, bit I can't confirm that. (Giggles) Anyway, he's the man that you don't want to aggravate.'
Cronauer: 'Ed, are you always this happy?' Garlick: '(Giggles)'(53K) (53K) (iPhone ringtone)Gen. Taylor: 'Listen, if you have any problems here now, you come see me. I'm the tallest hog in the trough around here.' (62K) (62K) (iPhone ringtone)Gen. Taylor: 'Garlick, have you put on some weight?'
Garlick: 'I don't think so, sir.' Taylor: 'Why, son, the shadow of your ass'd weigh 20 pounds.' (53K) (53K) (iPhone ringtone)Garlick: 'You're not supposed to adress a General saying 'hiya.' Cronauer: 'What's that, a new rule?' Garlick: 'No, an old rule.' (48K) (48K) (iPhone ringtone)Croneaur: 'Who's the guy with the ears?
How're you doin'? He could fly to Guam with those.' (34K) (34K) (iPhone ringtone)2nd Lt. Steven Hauk (Bruno Kirby): 'You know, i.it wouldn't kill you people to salute me once in a while.' (294K) (294K) (iPhone ringtone)Lt. Hauk: 'I understand you're pretty funny as a dee jay, and well, comedy is a kind of hobby of mine. Well, actually, it's a little more than just a hobby.
Reader's Digest is considering publishing two of my jokes.' Cronauer: 'Really?' And perhaps some night we could maybe get together and swap humorous stories.
Cronauer: 'Oh, why not? And maybe play a couple of Tennessee Ernie Ford records. That'd be a hoot.' Hauk: 'That's a joke, right?' Cronauer: 'Maybe.'
Hauk: 'I get it.' Cronauer: 'Mm-hmm.'
(78K) (78K) (iPhone ringtone)Sgt. Phillip 'Dick' Dickerson (J.T. Walsh): 'This is not military issue, Airman. What sort of uniform is that?' Cronauer: 'Cretan camouflage. If you want to blend into a crowd of drunken Greeks, there's nothin' better.' (190K) (190K) (iPhone ringtone)Sgt.
Dickerson: 'That is humor. I recognize that. I also recognize your species of soldier. I had a guy like you in the field one time. He blew himself to pieces. But not before his humor cost the lives of three very fine individuals.'
Cronauer: 'I hepe.' Dickerson: 'You shut your bleepin' hole!' (302K) (302K) (iPhone ringtone)Sgt.
Dickerson: 'You're in southeast Asia now, pal. You got your cushy little assignment.
There's nothing I can do about that. In time you will make me forget it. You stay out of my way, there'll be no problem. But if you toy with me, I'll burn you so bad, you'll wish you died as a child. Am I being fairly clear?'
Cronauer: 'Yes, sir.' Dickerson: 'Sir? I work for a living, Airman.
You will address me as Sgt. Cronauer: 'Yes, Sgt. (28K) (28K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'He reminds me a lot of Donna Reed, especially around the eyes.' (215K) (215K) (iPhone ringtone)Chaplain (Ralph Tabakin): 'Hello, hello, hello. This is your chaplain Captain Noel, your radio program of personal beliefs. Great in manifold are our blessings today. This great godly miricle of radio really gives me the opportinity to speak to you on the air!'
(82K) (82K) (iPhone ringtone)Garlick: 'Sir, time to rise.' Cronauer: 'My god, it's Mardi Gras, and I'm on the main float.' (76K) (76K) (iPhone ringtone)SSgt.
Marty Lee Dreiwitz (Robert Wuhl): 'Liston, could you do me a favor? Can you say something funny right this minute?' Cronauer: 'I doubt it.'
Marty: '(Laughing) I'm with you, man. I'm on your frequency.' (133K) (133K) (iPhone ringtone)Marty: 'What is the appeal of Joey Bishop?
I mean, the man's not funny. I know funny, and he's not funny.
Don't get me wrong. He seems like a nice guy. But my father's a nice guy and he's not funny either. Joey Bishop, I wish someone would explain this one tome.' (49K) (49K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'Good Morning, Vietnam!' (352K) (352K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'Good Morning, Vietnam! Hey, this is not a test.
This is rock and roll. Time to rock it from the delta to the D.M.Z.! Is that me or does that sound like an Elvis Presley movie?
'Viva, Da Nang. Oh, viva, Da Nang. Da Nang me, Da Nang me.
Why don't they get a rope and hang me.' Hey, is it a little too early for being that loud?
Hey, too late. What's the '0' stand for? Oh, my God, it's early. Speaking of early, how about that Cro-Magnon, Marty Dreiwitz? Thank you, Marty, for 'silky-smooth sound'. Make me sound like Peggy Lee.'
(75K) (75K) (iPhone ringtone)Lt. Hauk: 'Good morning, Vietnam. What the heck is that supposed to mean?' Abersold (Richard Edson): 'I don't know, Lieutenant. I guess it means, good morning, Vietnam'(1071K) (1071K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'Freddy and the Dreamers!
(imitating slow speed) Wrong speed. We've got it on the wrong speed. For those of you recovering from a hangover, that's gonna sound just right. Let's put it right back down. Let's try it a little faster, see if that picks it up. (imitating fast speed) Let's get it up on 78.
Those pilots right now, are going 'I really like the music. I really like the music.
I really like the music.' Oh, it's still a bad song. Hey, wait a minute. Let's try something. Let's play this backwards and see if it gets any better. (imitating speaking backwards) 'Freddy is the devil.' (Twilight Zone theme) 'Picture a man going on a journey beyond sight and sound.
He's left Crete. He's entered the demilitarized zone.' (Twilight Zone theme continues) Alright. Hey, what is this 'demilitarized zone'?
What do they mean, 'police action'? Sounds like a couple of cops in Brooklyn going, 'You know, she looks pretty to me.' Hey, whatever it is, I like it because it gets you on your toes better than a strong cup of cappuccino. What is a demilitarized zone? Sounds like something out of the Wizard of Oz. (High pitched) 'Oh, no, don't go in there.' 'Oh-we-oh, Ho Chi Minh.'
(High pitched) 'Oh, look, you've landed in Saigon. You're among the little people now.'
(Munchkin voice) 'We represent the ArVN Army, the ARVN Army. Follow the Ho Chi Minh trail. Follow the Ho Chi Minh trail.' (Witch voice) 'Oh, I'll get you, my pretty!'
It's the wicked witch of the north. It's Hanoi Hanna!
(Witch Voice) 'Now, little G.I., you and your little tune-ooh too!' (Female voice) 'Oh, Adrian. What are you doing, Adrian?' Oh, Hanna, you slut. You've been down on everything but the Titanic. Stop it right now.' (117K) (117K) (iPhone ringtone)Pvt.
Abersold: 'Uh, you know, he's really funny. He'l like a Marx brother.' Hauk: 'Which Marx brother would that be Private? I don't find him funny at all.' Abersold: 'Zeppo? Isn't that the one with the hat?'
(489K) (489K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'Hey, uh, hi, can you help me, what's your name? 'My name's Roosevelt E.
Roosevelt, what town are you stationed in? 'I'm stationed in Poontang.'
Well, thank you, Roosevelt. What's the weather like out there? Hottest things is my shorts. I could cook things in it. A little crotch pot cooking.'
Well, can you tell me what it feels like? 'Fool, it's hot!
I told you again! Were you born on the sun? It's damn hot! It's so damn hot, I saw little guys, their orange robes burst into flames.
It's that hot! Do you know what I'm talking about?'
What do you think it's going to be like tonight? 'It's gonna be hot and wet! That's nice if you're with a lady, but it ain't no good if you're in the jungle.' Thank you, Roosevelt. Here's a song coming your way right now. 'Nowhere To Run To' by Martha and the Vandellas.
You know what I mean! (36K) (36K) (iPhone ringtone)Lt. Hauk: 'That is not what we program here.' (123K) (123K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'This is AFVN, rockin' ya from the delta to the DMZ. AFVN- better than AFVD, which means you have to get a quick shot. We're movin'n on right now.'
(65K) (65K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'Here's a little riddle for you. What's the difference between the Army and the Cub Scouts? (imitating buzzer) Cub Scouts don't have heavy artillery.'
(56K) (56K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'Hey, I'm Adrian Cronauer. I'm on again at 1600. Because I have to.
It's the Army.' (124K) (124K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: '.talking out in the field today. Hi' what's your name? 'My name's Bob Fliber!' Bob, what do you do?
'I'm in artillery!' Thank you, Bob. Can we play anything for you? Just play it loud! '(466K) (466K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'Those girls are just so pretty.'
Gomer, are you here in Vietnam? Surprise, surprise, surprise!'
Lyndon, why did you name your daughter Lynda Bird? 'Cause Lynda Dog would be too cruel. (barks) Easy, girl. You know, if you pick 'em up by their ears, it doesn't hurt 'em as much.'
'Oh, you're goin' straight to hell for that one! Whatch o'er there!' Here's an incredible coincidence. Ho Chi Minh, Colonel Sanders actually the same person? You be the judge.
Our lines are open. Something realspecial now. We've got our traffic report on the Ho Chi Minh trail. How's it goin' up there?
'Uh, Adrian, it's not goin' exactly well. There's a water buffalo jackknifed up there. It's not a very pretty picture. There's horns everywhere.
I don't know what to say. We're gonna maybe drop in a little napalm there and try 'n cook 'im down. Have a little barbecue.' '(250K) (250K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'We've got a special man in the audience today, right now. He's a fashion consultant for the Army. 'Oh, thank you, Adrian.
I'm just very happy to be here. I want to tell you something. This whole camouflage thing doesn't work very well.' 'Because you go in the jungle, I can't see you. You know, it's like wearing stripes and plaid. For me, I want something different. You know, you go in the jungle, make a statement.
If you're going to fight, clash.' '(85K) (85K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'Thank you for that lovely tune. That funky music will drive us 'til the dawn.
Let's boogaloo 'til we puke.' '(306K) (306K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'That's about it for the Adrian Cron Hour. I'm gonna take myself out of the driver's seat, but I'm gonna turn you over, right now, to Mr. Excitement, a man with limp, damaged hair, but nevertheless a fireball, Dan Levitan!' Dan 'The Man' Levitan: 'This is AFRS, Radio Saigon, and yours truly, Dan 'The Man' Levitan. Greetings and salutations to any and all servicemen in the area and thanks so much for joining us.'
(38K) (38K) (iPhone ringtone)Marty: 'He's funny. I know funny, and this guy is funny!' (30K) (30K) (iPhone ringtone)Lt. Hauk: 'At ease!' Cronauer: 'Hell, we already are.'
(150K) (150K) (iPhone ringtone)Lt. Hauk: 'Don't make fun of the weather here.
And don't say the weather is the same all the time here, because it's not. In fact, it's two degrees cooler than in was yesterday.' Cronauer: 'Two degrees cooler?
(gasps) Me without my muff.' Marty: '(Laughs) Muff! I tell you, this guy's funny.'
(103K) (103K) (iPhone ringtone)Lt. Hauk: 'You know, I hate the fact that you people never salute me. I am a lieutenant and would like salutes occasionally.
That's what being a higher rank is all about.' (238K) (238K) (iPhone ringtone)Lt. Hauk: 'Frankly, I found your 'I love a police action' remark way out of line. How can you have the gall to compare the conflict here in Vietnam with a glass of cappuccino coffee?' Crosauer: 'Well, I was.
It just comes up. I was just trying to be funny.' Hauk: 'Funny is good. Funny is good. But then do it by using comedy and humor, not police action and coffee remarks.'
(272K) (272K) (iPhone ringtone)Lt. Hauk: 'Furthermore, you are to stick to normal modes of music, not wild stuff. Those we would fing acceptable here would include Lawrence Welk, Jim Nabors, Mantovani.' Cronauer: 'Percy Faith.' Hauk: 'Percy Faith. Cronauer: 'Okay.' Hauk: 'Andy Willims, Perry Como and certain ballads by Mr.
Frank Sinatra.' Cronauer: 'Would Bob Dylan be out of line?' Hauk: 'Way, way, way out of line.' (234K) (234K) (iPhone ringtone)Lt. Hauk: 'Former V.P. Richard Nixon will arrive here this week.
Dreiwitz, I've assigned you to cover the P.C.' Garlick: 'He likes to say P.C. Instead of press conference.' Hauk: 'And if you do. And if you do. And if you do. Happen to speak to him, please be polite and to the point at all times.'
Marty: 'Affirmative, sir.' Hauk: 'Affirmative, sir' Good.' (751K) (751K) (iPhone ringtone)Lt. Who do we have slated for live entertainment in November?' Phil McPherson (Juney Smith): 'Well, we originally wanted Bob Hope, bit it turns out he won't come.' Hauk: 'Why not?' Garlick: 'He doesn't play police actions, just wars.
Bob likes a big room, sir.' Hauk: 'That is not funny!' Abersold: 'How about if it escalated?' Hauk: 'How about if what escalated?' Abersold: 'The Vietnam conflict.'
Hauk: 'The Vietnam conflict. We are not going to escalate a whole war just so we can book a big-name comedian! We can get Tony Bennett or Trini Lopez.' Eddie Kirk (Floyd Vivino): 'I got it. He closes the Copa on the 18th.'
Hauk: 'Is that date firm?' Eddie Kirk: 'I got it from my niece.' Cronauer: 'Oh, come on. This is not the Catskills. Get somebody good. Get The Beach Boys. Don't dick around here.'
Marty: 'Oh, we tried, but their agent says they're still on the beach and they won't be off the sand 'til November! Hauk: 'Didn't somebody wearing my uniform and bearing a striking resemblance to myself just say that that kind of music was inappropriate?' Marty: 'Sorry, sir.
I haven't been to sleep.' (277K) (277K) (iPhone ringtone)Lt. Hauk: 'The former V.P. Will be here on Friday. I expect every minute of the V.P.' To be taped and broadcast within 12 hours of his arrival.
Something funny, Garlick? Well, perhaps you'd like to share it with the rest of us.'
Garlick: 'No, sir. The former vice president is a delight, sir.' Cronauer: 'Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the V.P. Is such a V.I.P., shouldn't we keep the P.C. On the Q.T., cause if it leaks to the V.C., he could end up an M.I.A., and then we'd all be put on K.P.'
(143K) (143K) (iPhone ringtone)Jimmy Wah (Cu Ba Nguyen): 'Now you say hi to me, then you smile.' Garlic and Cronauer: 'Hi.' Jimmy Wah: 'Hey, you two Earl. What about a couple of beer?' Garlick: 'We'd love a couple of beers, Jimmy.' Cronauer: 'Are either of our names Earl?'
Garlick: 'He calls everybody Earl.' (366K) (366K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'Is it me, or is Jimmy light in the loafers?' Garlick: 'Let me put it to you this way. He's got this thing for Walter Brennan. He says he wants to buy naked photographs of the actor.
For three years he's been trying.' Cronauer: 'Walter Brennan?' Garlick: 'You know, Walter Brennan from The Real McCoys, the TV show. (Imitating Walter Brennan) 'Well, yup.
Anyway, there's this guy from the First Battalion, Second Infantry, who swore that he could get him naked photographs of the actor. And I've been trying to tell him that it's a no-go, but he won't liston to me.' Cronauer: 'Oh, GOd. Nude photographs of Walter Brennan.' Jimmy Wah: 'Here's your beer.' Garlick: 'Thank you, Jimmy'Jimmy Wah: 'Right.' (91K) (91K) (iPhone ringtone)Jimmy Wah: 'Any movement on the Walter Brennan thing?'
Garlick: 'No, and it doesn't look good, Jimmy.' Jimmy Wah: 'He look good to me.' Garlick: '(Giggles)'(313K) (313K) (iPhone ringtone)Jimmy Wah: 'Ba Muy Ba beer best beer in Vietnam.' Garlick: 'Ba Muy Ba beer only beer in Vietnam.'
Jimmy Wah: 'Try it. Oh, what happened?' Cronauer: 'What happened?' Jimmy Wah: 'Formaldehyde. We put in just a touch of formaldehyde for flavor. Some people get sick, yeah. So if you have to be rushed to a holpital, then when you return, I give you a free salad.'
Cronauer: 'Well, that seams fair. It really does.' Garlick: 'You'll get used to it.'
Cronauer: 'Maybe.' (89K) (89K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'There she is. Any girl who wants me this bad, I can't let her down.' Jimmy Wah: 'Where you go?' Cronauer: 'Hunt is on.' Jimmy Wah: 'What is wrong'Cronauer: 'Gotta catch her before she accelerates.' (181K) (181K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'Hi.
How's Lynn doing? You look like Lyn's friend from Toledo. Liston, let me make it up to you by buying a cup of cofee. Also, tea would fall into that category.'
Trinh (Chintara Sukapatana): 'I not think be not correct of way. Cronauer: 'What'd she just say?' (128K) (128K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'Shh! Trinh: 'It read. Read for my the book.' Cronauer: 'I never heard rhymes like that. I got to be with her, at least until she learns my name.'
(192K) (192K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'Hello, class. My name is Adrian Cronauer. And I'd like to get to know all of you by having you write down your name, address, and your home and work phone on a piece of paper and passing it forward.' Tuan (aka Phan Duc To) (Tung Thanh Tran): 'Sergeant Sloan our teacher. You not supposed to be in here.'
Cronauer: 'I was sent here on very strict orders from a colonel.' (276K) (276K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'Fisrt thing I'd like to know is, what subject this is?' Vietnamese Student Minh: 'Is it English?' Cronauer: 'Yes, it is. And how luck for me. Thank you very much for playing.
Now, let's start off with the fact that English is a fantastic language. Let's try a phrase, uh, I like to call: 'My boyfriends back and there's gonna be trouble. Bey-nah, my boyfriend's back.' Can we try that one? Can we try, 'My boyfriend's back'?
(42K) (42K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'Why do I feel like the Miricle Worker up here? (418K) (418K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'If you're walking down the streets of New York and someone says, 'Hey! I would like to buy some cheese and some butter.'
No, no, come on. Basically, we talk, 'Hey, man, what's happening? Oh, you look hip today. Slip me some skin.' Now, if someone in America comes up and says, 'Slip me some skin,' don't be afraid.
They're not a leper, and they're not going to go. No, it means, 'Hey, baby, slip me some skin.'
It's a greeting. It's like 'How you doin'? Nice to meet you. Slip me some skin.' Now here's how you do it.
You say, 'Slip me some skin.' Put your hand out there.
Then you go, 'Yeah, there's some skin.' Now you do it to me. Then you say, 'Groovy.
Vietnamese Student: 'Groovy.' Cronauer: 'Yes!' (83K) (83K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'Try that one. Say, 'Hey, baby, what's happening? Let's groove.' 'Vietnamese Student Wilkie: '(trying his best) Hey, baby, wh. What's happening?
Let's groove.' (114K) (114K) (iPhone ringtone)Vietnamese Student Minh: 'Mr. Cronauer, I really liking you.'
Cronauer: 'Well, I'm likeng you too.' Vietnamese Student Minh: 'Thank you.' Vietnamese Student Wilkie: 'You teach, uh, uh, American thing, okay?' Cronauer: 'Okay.' Vietnamese Student Wilkie: 'Play game of softball.'
Cronauer: 'Okay, yeah, well, we'll try and do that if we get the equipment.' (565K) (565K) (iPhone ringtone)Tuan: 'You forget the girl.'
Cronauer: 'Oh, I'll let her say no.' Tuan: 'She is say no. That is what walking away from you means.' Cronauer: 'Hey, I'm interested in the girl. I'm not interested in you playing Dear Abby.' Tuan: 'I know because she's my sister.'
Cronauer: 'I would, however, love to buy you lunch, maybe look at a family album. Tuan: 'I not like you, sir.' Cronauer: 'Why not? I got a great personality. You ask anybody.'
Tuan: 'You phony, like American and French before you. Here to get something, leaving when you not get it. You come into my class, so maybe we like you. You come for the girl.
You won't get her. Cronauer: 'Okay, Sherlock. Yeah, I bribed my to meet the girl. You got me, bang. But hey, I like the class. I'm gonna stay.
Let's be friends. Okay, come on? Tuan: 'You like me because of my sister.' Cronauer: 'No, I like you because you're honest, because you're shorter than I am. We look like a before and after picture. Now, come on. Let me buy you a beer.'
Tuan: 'Sometimes your face look like a fish in the Gulf of Thailand.' Cronauer: 'It's true. It's very true. That's an insult, isn't it?' (41K) (41K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'Is there any food on this street that doesn't give you diarrhea?'
Tuan: 'You wanting some?' (83K) (83K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'What the hell is this?' Tuan: 'Oh, she pour Nuoc Mahmm noodle soup with fish ball.' Cronauer: 'Didn't know they had balls.' (556K) (556K) (iPhone ringtone)Tuan: 'Eat.'
Cronauer: 'Eat. It's still paddling. I not tell you okay otherwise. You don't trusting me.
I trust you, man. It's just I can't eat something that looks like a cesspool.' Tuan: 'You mad I not trust you, but truth, you not trust me. You wont be my friend, you trusting me. You would eat it.' Cronauer: 'Hey, I w.
I wanna be your pal. (Spits in out) Shit! This stuff is burning the hair off my feet!' Cronauer: 'Hot?
It's bleepin' great.' Tuan: 'She say it's a little spicy.'
Cronauer: 'A little, yeah.' (83K) (83K) (iPhone ringtone)Jimmy Wah: 'Hi, Earl!
Good to see you again! Look at the new friend.' Cronauer: 'A little too young for you.' (280K) (280K) (iPhone ringtone)Jimmy Wah: 'I mant to show you something very nice.' Cronauer: 'Oh really?'
Jimmy Wah: 'It look wonderful. I can confide you.' Cronauer: 'Sure.'
Jimmy Wah: 'Look at the shape of that soldier's ankle, the way it so elegantly curve into his boot. Help me get some photo of those onkle, I give you my bar.' Cronauer: 'You're a very sick man. You know that, don't you?' Jimmy Wah: 'Thank you.'
(36K) (36K) (iPhone ringtone)Jimmy Wah: 'Everybody say 'gook' but it's alright.' (202K) (202K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'I got to tell you something, you know? I've been all around the world, seen a lot of places and a lot of people. I have never ever in my travels come across a mas as large as you, with as much muscles, who has absolutely no penis.' Jimmy Wah: 'He mean that as a compliment!'
(221K) (221K) (iPhone ringtone)Sgt. Dickerson: 'You're not gonna last long here, pal.' Cronauer: 'You can always send me back to Crete.' Dickerson: 'Oh you think this is a joke?
I can come up with alternatives other than Crete. And, I'm real good at stuff like that.
I got people stuck in places they haven't even considered how to get out of yet. You don't think I can think of something good? Can you envision some fairly unattractive alternatives?'
Cronauer: 'Not without slides.' (80K) (80K) (iPhone ringtone)Sgt. Dickerson: 'You better not get invelved in anything.
You better not even come within range of anything that happens or your ass is grass and I'm a lawn mower.' (104K) (104K) (iPhone ringtone)Sgt. Dickerson: 'Am I being fairly clear?' Cronauer: 'Yes, sir.' Dickerson: 'Sir? Do you see anything on this uniform indicating on officer?
What does three up and three down mean to you?' Cronauer: 'End of an inning.' (129K) (129K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'Good morning, Vietnam! Hello, campers.
Remember, Monday is malaria day. That's right.
Time to take that big orange pill and get ready for the Ho Chi Minh to-step.' (947K) (947K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'We're back. Here's the news. All the news that's new and approved by the U.S.
Hal Good Morning Dave Wav
Army, the sweetest-smelling army in the world. (imitates Teletype) Great Britain recognized the island state of Singapore. How do you recognize on island? You go, 'exc. No, don't tell me.
Wait, wait, didn't we meet last year at the Feinman bar mitzvah? You look a lot like Hawaii.
Didn't we meet last year at the Peninsula Club? Pope Paul VI celebrated a mass in Italian. Call me crazy! He's in Rome.
You know, one day I want to meet him, kiss his ring, and have it go, whrrr! The Mississippi River broke through a protective dike today. What is a protective dike?
A large woman by the river going, 'Don't near there.' 'Don't go near there.
Get away from the river. Stay away from there.' I know we can't use the word 'dyke'. You can't even say 'lesbian'.
It's women in comfortable shoes. Thank you very much.
Now here's the weather. We're gonn go right te Roosevelt E. Roosevelt, how's it going? 'Adrian, I'm with somebody. Don't even come here and bather me right now.'
Well, thanks, Roosevelt. Can't you give us a little weather? 'Not now man!
I'm on the balcony, man, trying to score. Well, what's the weather like? 'You got a window? Thank you, Roosevelt. We'll have to go to someone else for the weather.
I guess we'll have to go all the way to Washington Wether Central, to Walter Cronkite. Walter, what's the weather like? 'I just want to begin by saying to Roosevelt E. Roosevelt, What it is, what it shall be, what it was. Weather out there today is hot and bleepty, with continued hot and bleepty in the afternoon.
Tomorrow a chanch of continued crappy with a pissy weather front coming from the north. Basically, it's hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon roundup.' Okay, we're gonna hit some songs at you right now. Coming your way!'
(766K) (766K) (iPhone ringtone)Lt. Hauk: 'What the hell was that?
Crappy weather, bleepty weather?' Cronauer: 'Comedy, sir.' Hauk: 'Comedy?
This is not comedy. Comedy is fun, it's antics, hysterical-type things.' Cronauer: 'Hysterical-type things?
Airman Cronauer requesting you to elaborate, sir.' Hauk: 'Antics, damn it. Comedy of errors, like the Keystone Cops falling down. General wackiness like that.'
Cronauer: 'Falling down? That's a sight gag. How would anyone see you fall down on the radio, sir?' Hauk: 'No, no, no, no. Not literally falling down.' Phil McPherson: 'It definitely wouldn't work on the radio, sir.' Cronauer: 'See, sir?'
Hauk: 'What I mean is in the spirit of the Keystone Cops.' Phil McPherson: 'Sir, it wouldn't work, I don't think.' Abersold: 'I don't think anybody would see you fall though a radio, sir. I.If a field radio.'
Hauk: 'What are you doing here?' Abersold: 'I thought I'd come help smooth things out.' Hauk: 'Don't help and don't smooth. And you, you are not funny, but you are a maniac, and you'd better start changing your life.' Cronauer: 'Sir? Thank you for thatconstructive criticism.
It's a privilege to take comedy notes form a man of your stature.' Just don't let it happen again.' Cronauer: 'Whoa. In the dictionary under 'bleephole' it says 'see him'.'
(165K) (165K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'Why am I here? We're gonna play some music for you right now. Here's a little James Brown coming your way. Baby, help me, please.
(a little 'I Feel Good' by James Brown plays.)'(174K) (174K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: '(a little 'I Feel Good' by James Brown plays.) So good. Tell 'em, James. Hurt 'em, now.
Good God, help me! Work through it. (59K) (59K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'If someone is not telling the truth, they are full of.' Class: 'Shit!' Vietnamese Student: 'Shit!' (73K) (73K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'Okay, if someone is makin you angrier and angrier, thetefore you have.' Class: 'Pissed me off.'
Vietnamese Student: 'Pissed me off.' (108K) (108K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'Let's see. If you say that some people are in a car. Some gypsies, they cut you off. All the sudden you.' Class: 'Flip them the bird.'
Vietnamese Student: 'The bird!' (458K) (458K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'Now, we got a special situation right now. Okay, there's a Puerto Rican waitress. She brings you a little thing of red soup. She got some tomato soup. Oh, she slips, she spills it on your brand new gaberdine pants that you paid more than a color TV for. You're a little angry, so you lay to her.
Vietnamese Student Minh: 'Uh, look what you did and bleepdamn it and stupid and crap.' Vietnamese Student: 'That's stupid. You don't call someone crap.' Tuan: 'No, you step on crap.
You don't call it to a person.' Vietnamese Student: 'You can step on crap. I know you can.' Vietnamese Student: 'They can be full of bleep. Cronauer: 'No, no. You see, you step in bleep, you can be full of crap.' Vietnamese Student: 'I'm pretty sure you can step in crap.
I once saw it in a French movie.' Vietnamese Student: 'How can some person look like a bleep? It's impossible.' Cronauer: 'I think. Okay, we can stop with the debate on the great ca-ca right now. Let's try a very special situation.' (500K) (500K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'Wilkie, something special, okay?
You go into a restaurant, okay? A waitress comes up to you.
You're wearing your best new suit. She comes up, she spills soup all over you, looks at you like, 'Eh, I'm sorry. What are you gonna do about it, bleephole?'
What do you say to her? What would you say? The spilled something on your pants. What would they do.
What would you do?' Vietnamese Student Wilkie: 'I do nothing.' Cronauer: 'Come on Wilkie, It's cursing class. You're getting pissed off.
What would you do?' Vietnamese Student Wilkie: 'I just remain reticent.' Cronauer: 'Okay, she goes in the kitchen, she gets a knife, she starts stabbing you. Ste's stabbing you. She's putting forks in you.
She's got spoons in your eyes, Wilk. They're starting to cut you, putting spoons in your eyes. What would you do, Wilk? What would you do?' Vietnamese Student Wilkie: 'I'm waiting to die.' (114K) (114K) (iPhone ringtone)Vietnamese Student Minh: 'Where are you come from?' Cronauer: 'Queens.
Bayside, Queens.' Tuan: 'What are Queens?'
Cronauer: 'Tall, thin men show tunes. Big men with moustaches named Mary who wear marcara.' (242K) (242K) (iPhone ringtone)Trinh: 'I don't makes you nervous, Cronauer. I knows you very nice. And for trusting, you is the best. On the gently of what you say, or never to be for both the same and another.'
Cronauer: 'Well, I had you there, babe, but then you lost me at the end.' (114K) (114K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'You want to see a movie or something?'
Trinh: 'We must to ask the people.' Cronauer: 'Hey' that's no problem. Attentios shoppers.
People, settle.' (808K) (808K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'Hey, we're back. That last three seconds of silence was Marcel Marceau's newest hit single, 'Walking In The Wind'. And now, here are the headlines.
(Imitating Teletype) Ah! The're coming at you. Pope actually found to be Jewish.
Liberace is Anastasia. And Ethel Merman jamn Russian radar. The East Germans today claimed that the Berlin Wall was a fraternity prank.
Also the Pope decided today to release Vatican-related bath products, an incredible thing. Yes' it's the new Pope-on-a-Rope. That's right. Wash with it, go straight to heaven. Ethel Merman today uses a test to jam Russian radar.
Here's a brief test of that jamming. 'Oh, I've got a feeling, that love is hear to stay' When asked for a reply, the Russians went, 'What the hell was that?' (Imitates Teletype) Here's a news flash. Today President Lyndin Johnson passed a highway beautification bill. The bill basically said that his daughters could not drive in a convertable on public highways. Hey, we got a great show coming your way today.
Former Vice President Richard Nixon's in town. That's right, thi big Dick is here.
I think there's an incredible coincidence here. I think he sounds exactly like Mr. You be the judge. 'I tell you this.' 'Wilbur, come into the room.'
An incredible coincidence. Some more songs. Moving on, moving on into the dawn with the Dawnbusters.'
(94K) (94K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'The requests will be taken pretty soon. Where are we gonna take requests? Where can you call from? 'Yeah, I'm in a phone booth out in the D.M.Z. I'm trying to call you right now.'
'(267K) (267K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'Once again we've got our friend from military intelligence. Can you tell us what you've found out about the enemy since you've been here? 'We found out that we can't cind them.
There out there, and we're having a major difficulty in finding the enemy.' Well, what do you use to look for them? 'Well, we ask the people 'Are you the enemy?' And whoever says yes, we shoot them.' '(93K) (93K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'It's very difficult to find a Vietnamese man named Charlie. They're all named Nyugen or Doh or things like that.'
'(281K) (281K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'Is it true that you've actually, um. You're actually too close to some of the nerve agents that they were testing? Yes, have you used any? 'Well, once, yes, on myself. And it had no- Whoa! -no effect on me.
I've had no actual- Whoa! Big Dogs landing on my face! -I don't know what that means.' '(125K) (125K) (iPhone ringtone)Cronauer: 'Hey, that's it for me.
I'm out of here. That's the end of the Adrian Cron Hour, but I'm gonna turn you over to Mr. Warmth, Dan 'The Tan' Levitan!'
Dan 'The Man' Levitan: 'Thank you so much, Adrian.' (305K) (305K) (iPhone ringtone)Lt. Hauk: 'Where do you imagin you're going?' Cronauer: 'Just going to get a little something to eat.' Hauk: 'You don't have time. You'll stay here and drink instant beverage or something.
We promised our listening audince Nixon highlights by 4:00 p.m.' Cronauer: 'I've been on the air for four hours. I'm a little hungry.' Hauk: 'That's a joke, right? Cronauer: 'No, I'm actually hungry.' Hauk: 'Well, I'm actually giving you an order.'
Cronauer: 'Ooh, it's an order. In that case, gentlemen, let's edit.' (172K) (172K) (iPhone ringtone)Jimmy Wah: 'Aha, ha, Earl! Ha, you again. No more fighting, okay?' Cronauer: 'Oh, you got it. Nice, shiny green suit.
You look like an Oriental leprechaun.' Jimmy Wah: 'You like it? I got it it Hong Kong, home of the shiny green suit. Ha, ha, ha, ha.'
(592K) (592K) (iPhone ringtone)Conauer: 'Well, I really didn't make that suggestion, sir. Nixon: 'The United States has no right to give.' Hauk: 'Why would Cronauer's voice be on this tape?'
Abersold: 'I don't know, Lieutenant.' Nixon: '.it's territory to the communists.' Conauer: 'Mr. Nixon, thank you for that concise political commentary, but I'd like to delve into something slightly more personal for the men in the field. How would you describe your testicles?'
Nixon: 'That they're soft, that they're shallow, that they have no purpose.' Hauk: 'Oh, my God.' Conauer: 'What aro you saying, sir?' Nixon: 'That tey lack the physical strength.'
Conauer: 'How would you describe your sex life with your wife Pat?' Nixon: 'Uh, it is unexciting sometimes.' Conauer: 'Well, have you considered possibly a sex change? There is an opperation that can transform you.' Hauk: 'Please don't do this to me.'
Conauer: '.into a female Great Dane.' Hauk: 'Please don't do this to me.' Conauer: '.or a very well-hung Chihuahua. Nixon, while you've been in Vietnam, it's rumored that you smoked marijuana. Are you planning, sir, to take some of the marijuana home, back to the United States?
How would you do that?' Nixon: 'By plane, by helicopter and also by automobile.' (232K) (232K) (iPhone ringtone)Lt.
Hauk: 'He did a very off-color parody of former V.P. Taylor: 'I thought it was hilarious.' Hauk: 'Respectfully, sir, the former V.P. Is a good man and a decent man.' Taylor: 'Bullbleep!
I know Nixon personally. He lugs a trainload of bleep behind him that would fertilize the Sinai. Why, I wouldn't buy an apple from the son of a bitch, and I consider him a good close, personal friend.' (68K) (68K) (iPhone ringtone)Sgt. Dickerson: 'I run the station according to strict guidelines set by military intelligence.' Taylor: 'Military intelligence? There's a contradiction in terms.'
(426K) (426K) (iPhone ringtone)Marty: 'Sir, sir, reading the news is one thing, but this stuff you wrote, it's not funny, sir. Hauk: 'Garlick: 'Sir, I'm begging you. Don't try to do comedy.
It's not in your blood.' Hauk: 'I'll do fine. Comedy is what you make it.
I've got pages and pages of great material. Right, Abersold?' Abersold: 'I'm afraid you're gonna gonna be hittin' bottom, sir.' Hauk: 'If it isn't funny, then why did I hear you laughing when you typed it?' Abersold: 'I was thinking of something else.' Hauk: 'Thank you for your support. Now I've got a show to do.'
Garlick: 'Sir, you're not funny. Marty: 'Ask me.
Sir, with all due respect, uh, I think you're gonna. You might lay an egg.
I mean a big egg. I mean, I know funny, and I don't think you're it. I mean hey, such is life. Me, I'm not much with power tools.' (715K) (715K) (iPhone ringtone)Lt.
Hauk: 'Hello, Vietnam. And greetings. Soon, the news. 'Lieutenant Steve!
Lieutenant Steve!' 'it's me, your old pal Frenchy.' Listen, Frenchy, let me ask you something. Do you like good food? 'Oh, but of course.
Uh, the French love good food.' Well' then I guess that would make you an 'Eatie Gormet'.
(horn honking) 'Oh, ho, ho, ho, Lieutenant Steve.' Oh, ho, ho, ho, Frenchy. 'Oh, ho, ho, Lieutenant Steve' Oh, ho, ho, ho, Frenchy. You know, I really shouldn't kid Frenchy, because sometimes he 'Stan Getz' (honking) mad at me, and he could 'Al Hirt' me. (honking) 'Uh, Lieutenant Steve, let's play some music.'
Okay, Frenchy. What would you like to hear?
'Well, uh, I love a good polka as much as the next man.' Well, a good polka it is for my good friend Frenchy. (polka music plays) I think some apologies are in order.' (25K) (25K) (iPhone ringtone)Sgt. Phil McPherson: 'You're not gonna continue this broadcast, are you, sir?' (32K) (32K) (iPhone ringtone)Lt. Hauk: 'That's about as good a polka as you'll ever hear.'
(87K) (87K) (iPhone ringtone)Marty: 'Sir, these letters are unequivocal. 'Hey, Hauk, eat a bag of bleep. That's pretty much to the point, sir. Not much grey area in this one.'
(254K) (254K) (iPhone ringtone)Garlick: 'We got one positive call from some guy in Wichita who thought Hauk's comedy was visionary and interesting. The other 1,100 calls said that the man can't do comedy to save his dick. That's a direct quote, sir.' Phil McPherson: 'I've taken 90 colls this morning. They just don't like Hauk.' Garlick: 'From a marine in Da Nang: 'Captain Hauk sucks the sweat off a dead man's balls.'
I have no idea what that means, sir, but it seams very negative to me.' (154K) (154K) (iPhone ringtone)Lt. Hauk: 'Sir, you heard from the men who don't like my humor, but what about the silent masses who do?
And as far as polkas, they are a much-maligned musical taste.' Taylor: 'Lieutenant, you don't know if you're shot, bleeped, powder-burned or snake-bit. I don't care about polkas.' (446K) (446K) (iPhone ringtone)Garlick: 'What are you gonna do with your time?' Cronauer: 'I don't know. I may go downtown, look for a man named phil.
Or I may just stay here and liston to old Pat Boone records. Try and find some hidden meaning cause basically I believe that man is a misunderstood genius.' Garlick: 'Genius? What are you saying to me?' Cronauer: 'I'm saying I'm through, Ed. I'm tired of people tellin' me what I can't say. This news isn't official.
That comment is too sarcastic. I can't even make fun of Richard Nixon, and there's a man who's screaming out to be made fun of. Phil McPherson: 'Is he alright?' Garlick: 'No, Phil, he's not alright. A man does not refer to Pat Boone as a beautiful genius.